Posts Tagged ‘Fifty Shades’

Fifty-Shades-of-Brains

Fifty Shades of Brains by BF Dealeo (252 pages, $1.99 Kindle, $11.30 paperback, published May, 2013) promises “SEX. ZOMBIES. REALLY ANNOYING PRESENT TENSE NARRATION.” And boy does it deliver! With “The Walking Dead” on hiatus until October, I am jonesin’ for some serious zombie action! If you’re jonesing too, pick up “Fifty Shades of Brains.” At just $1.99, it’s a steal! (Please note that I am in no way affiliated with any book I review here, so what you’re getting is an honest review).

From fiftyshadesofbrains.com we learn that “BF Dealeo is a pen name used by two Seattle-based writers who met while studying literature at the University of Washington. One is a father, video gamer, and comics geek. The other has sense enough not to give out any personal information. Between them they have written, co-written, and edited thirteen books plus hundreds of articles and book reviews.” – This must be why there is a shocking lack of typos and grammatical errors in this book. I consider myself pretty good at spotting those things (thank you Mom!) but I saw NOT ONE SINGLE ERROR. My inner grammar teacher is pleased. Seriously, that’s hard to pull off even for the Big 6 (5?) publishing companies these days.

Let’s start with the cover. Nice, creepy, gray-ish. Perfect. But it looks a little too much like my Aunt Patsie, so I’ll not dwell on the cover and just move on. Oh by the way, have you been to http://www.deadyourself.com/walkers yet? You can zombify yourself. Go give it a try, but AFTER you finish reading this review, of course.

Some of my favorite quotes (after I started keeping track, about halfway through the book):
I know his cattle prod is turned off now, but there’s still a buzz between us. Made crazier by something else. Nervousness? Restless leg syndrome?

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I flash back on the decapitated body in the tub, the meeting with his “mombie.” – Haha, cute! I love that word, “mombie.” That’s how I feel every morning before I’ve had my coffee and the little ones are clawing at me for food.

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He smiles and turns back to me. I see something in his eyes. A cloudiness. Sadness? The early stages of glaucoma?

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Rules:
(Flip back to Chapter 7 if you really need to read these again. What kind of book would print these twice? Or three times?)
(On second thought, here it is. It helps pad the page count.) — ROFL!!one111!!

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Things would be so much easier if he just played a sport, my inner soccer mom chides. – I love all her inner voices, and there are many!

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I feel Pinocchio there in his pants. That wooden boy is all I can think about.

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It’s a cold world, bitches! my inner gangsta shouts at them.

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I want him to want me. To want to please me. To want me to please him. To want me to please him while he’s wanting to please me. I want it all. I also want to quit thinking about all of this because it’s very confusing.

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My gloves fit like gloves. – So clever.

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Inside the front office, the dried remains of the school secretary sit at a desk. There’s a protractor buried in her — its — skull. I guess somebody else didn’t like geometry, my inner class clown interjects.

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“Aurora, you’ve already met my mother,” he says. “This is my father, Carl.” Good zombie Carl. – Hey! Another Rottie fan! High-five!

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She totters off toward a hallway, and her caregiver moves aside, barely glancing up from her book. I look at the cover, wondering what the hell could be so engrossing. Who would read a book about a gray silk tie? – I know, right?

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And the more serious stuff:
Morning glory, moss and mold cover the front of the houses, the windows too, and the once pristine hedges that lined the driveways are now monstrous green walls, gnarled branches reaching to the sky like outstretched fingers.  – (I love this!)

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The play area — all sand and colorful plastic equipment — hasn’t even been overrun by weeds or grass or dog-sized rabbits. The memory of running feet seems to be enough to keep anything from taking root.  – (This makes me almost hear the laughter of children past).

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Here are some of the Amazon reviews. Currently there are 7 and it has a 4.1 average rating:

“I tried reading Fifty Shades of Grey, but had to stop before all my brains leaked out of my head from the sheer crappiness of the writing. Having read this book and the fun it pokes at FSoG with a malfunctioning cattle prod I have to say I’m very happy with my decision to cease and desist. Everything I need to know about it I learn in this book and it’s much funnier, too.” – QUOTED. FOR. TRUTH.

“The humor in this book isn’t for everyone. It’s not cute funny, it’s sick, twisted funny and I love it.” – I’m sure they’re just too nice to outright say it, but I will: It’s FUCKING FUNNY.

This one best sums up my own thoughts on this book, especially the last line:
“Fifty Shades of Brains by BF Dealeo is one of the funniest, snarkiest, most twisted books I’ve read in a long time. Done as a spoof (or homage, you decide) for E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey book, it features Aurora Foyle, otherwise known as Ro, going to interview famed zombie hunter Caligula Green (nice twist of name for a zombie book) who has helped protect Seattle after the zombie apocalypse and organize the survivors. He offers her a job but she wants more than just that, she also wants what’s in his pants (sorry, couldn’t resist.) This starts what promises to be an interesting and sick relationship. It’s just not guaranteed to be a long one. One of my favorite parts was the multiple times Ro’s inner voice spoke to her as a variety of creatures, such as her inner goddess, inner life guard, inner therapist, etc. I may have to go back and count how many different inner voices she actually has. It looks like there might be a sequel, so I’ve got my fingers crossed that I might get to read more about Ro. If you like 50 Shades of Grey and like zombies, you will love this book. If you didn’t like 50 Shades of Grey and like zombies, you will love this book. If you don’t like zombies, you just aren’t worth talking to.”  – (Emphasis added by yours truly).

There were many clever references in this book and I’m sure I missed many of them. The ending was a surprise to me, leaving me a tad bit sad, but it works and certainly sets the book up for a sequel, which I fervently hope is in the works! If it isn’t, IT SHOULD BE (do you hear that BF Dealeo? Put butt in chair and write it. Oh, and is that Big Fucking Dealeo? Just curious. So many BFDs these days!).  I enjoyed the hell out of this book and I LITERALLY (haha sorority girl humor) want you folks to go buy it right now. Here’s the link again in case your ass is too lazy to scroll the mouse up a bit and click the link in the opening paragraph: Click me. Click me NOW.

The Zombie Apocalypse is always fun to speculate about. As I write this, we’re one week away (but who’s counting) from the premiere of the new Brad Pitt movie, World War Z which of course I MUST see. So, I’ll leave you with this question: If the Zombie Apocalypse were to ever hit and assuming you’re one of the survivors, what one item would you miss the most, given the inevitable scarcity of goods? I’m not going to tell you what I would miss the most, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with C. O. F. F. E. E.

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Fifty Shades of Gary the Vampire Today we take a look at “Fifty Shades of Gary the Vampire: Anais’s Sin” by Sabrina Swan ($2.99, published May 22, 2012, unknown number of pages).

I got the book on loan for free as part of the Amazon Prime lending program.

Part of the book’s blurb: Fifty Shades of Gary the Vampire series begins with Anais’s Sin (Book #1), the tale of a witty, sex-starved stripper who has messed up her life so badly that she is one second from dying by her own hand. That hot summer night in modern-day Los Angeles, a sunglasses-wearing vampire alights in her bedroom and she’ll do anything to try to convince Gary that she wants to become dead, undead, or anything but what she is: mortal. Gary hasn’t laughed so hard in centuries…but wow, does Anais Sin ever need a spanking!

Here’s another part of the Amazon blurb: “Fifty Shades of Gary the Vampire is the funny, kinky, erotic paranormal novella parody series about Gary the Time-Traveling Vampire’s quest to choose a kinky lover with whom to spend eternity.” I’d say the blurb is spot on except I didn’t find it particularly funny. Witty, yes, even humorous but certainly nothing that made me laugh out loud. Or even on the inside.

The story idea is promising, and Gary was a very likeable character (unlike Christian in that OTHER book). The book is mostly well written (there were some issues in need of editing in the first couple of chapters, but after that … perfect). It’s a short read. I read it in an afternoon, so two or three hours tops. It claims to be book #1 in a series, but so far Ms. Swan has not published the sequel, at least not at Amazon.

I want to roast this book, but there’s really nothing negative to roast about. It has a 4.4-star average out of 9 reviews. Here are some of the reviews:

“Swan really spins a delightfully erotic and funny story where vampire have the ability to change their saliva’s taste to suit that of their lover’s favorite foods, wings that they can fly with and glow in the dark man ranch.” – No lie – he paints his name on her chest with his, errm, man “ranch” dressing. And it glows. In the dark. And Anais doesn’t want to wash it off. (Can I get an “ewww” from the audience please?)

“The Sex was fun and exciting without being too raunchy.” True story, bro.

And lastly, “The humourous twist Sabrina Swan employed with Gary’s ‘shades’ made me laugh out loud, and her Dom vampire was equal parts hilarity and spanky-handed sterness. Gary the Vampire was an interesting character, his tortured past inserted nicely, countering the often lighthearted vibe to the storyline. Anais’ portrayal left me having to work – at times with great effort – to like her, but Gary helps her along the path to change. In the end, Anais has taken her discipline well (insert a laugh here) and we begin to see a woman of esteem emerge from the disaster of her previous life. She’s overeager, brass, and unrepentant, things I tend to dislike in a heroine, but it’s written with a quirky humor that allowed me to set those feelings aside. Add in a dangerous Marquis’ threat to Gary and the women he ‘helps’, a search for true love, and time travel, and you’ve got it all. This is only the first leg of Gary’s quest to find his eternal mate, and I’ll await anxiously the next installment.
Fifty Shades of Gary the Vampire is nicely constructed, with a clear plotline and distinct characters. The sex is racy, so be warned; this novella is not for those who prefer a sweet or chaste romance. It is, however, one I’d recommend to those who don’t mind a light BDSM theme with a fun twist. For the price, the fact that it’s a novella, and because I enjoy a fun filled, quick and easy read, I give it four stars. ” – I’d have to agree with this entire paragraph except for the hilarity part. Maybe I was having a PMS moment or something, but I didn’t find it to be hilarious. But everything else here is spot on so I’ll just chime in and say “me too!” I’d definitely buy the sequel.

Tune in next Friday as I review “Fifty Shades of Brains” by B F Dealeo, where we’re promised “SEX. ZOMBIES. REALLY ANNOYING PRESENT TENSE NARRATION.” God, I can hardly wait!

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Fifty-Shades-of-TwilightToday’s roast review is “Fifty Shades of Twilight (A Very Naughty PARODY)” by Secret Anonymous (7000 words / 37 pages).

Yeah… I think I’d go with an author name of Secret Anonymous, too.  I mean, I’m no Hemingway, so pot meet kettle, but … what there was of this in Amazon’s “Look Inside” feature had me running away fast.  In other words, I didn’t buy this one.  I felt $.99 was too high to pay to see the rest, and not only because I wasn’t impressed by the sample, but also because out of 17 customer reviews, only one of those was a 2-star review, the rest were 1-star!  Yikes!

The reviews, however, ARE worth a read.  Let’s begin!

“It is kind of a joke (no pun intended).”

“it gave me a headache.”

“To be fair this is book is just as stupid as the original material.”  (What do you know?!!  I totally agree!!).

“Amazon is scrapping the bottom of the barrel” – (Do you think maybe they meant scraping? Or are they saying that with this book, the bottom of the barrel has completely dropped out and just when you think a book could sink no lower, it does?).

“I want my 99 cents back.”

And I want my 15 minutes back for the time it’s taken me to read the sample, read the bad reviews and paste them here!  If you’re a glutton for punishment (and I guess BDSM readers are, hahaha), then please, go buy this book.

(Is it me or does that apple on the cover remind you of Annoying Orange?)

Until next week, you folks have a great weekend and be sure to check back next Friday for a review of some kind.  This one sapped my mojo.  😦

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Fifty-Shades-of-PuddinToday on Fifty Shades Friday we take a look at “Fifty Shades of Puddin’” by Ash Robbins (ebook, 176 pages, published February 27, 2013).

I’ll tell you right up front – I bought this book based on what I read in the free sample on Amazon. It’s only $.99 (I would have paid more). Ms. Robbins had me laughing out loud several times in just the first two chapters, so of course I had to buy it.

This book is brilliant. Bloody fucking brilliant. It’s like southern redneck Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights meets Fifty Shades, and hilarity ensues. The heroine, Ambrosia, apparently has some kind of Tourette Syndrome, so she’s “spraying obscenities like diarrhea” when bad things happen (“God-damn-donkey-cock-sucker-asshole”) – you know, things we all think but rarely say out loud, especially at job interviews.  Ms. Robbins’ writing style is a hoot and more entertaining than watching two dogs bumping uglies on your front porch.

So, I had to settle in with a nice ice-cold glass of sweet tea to read this book. After a few (okay – more than just a few) interruptions from my toddlers (“Son-of-a-bitch-monkey-tits!”), I finally managed to get to chapter 10 last night before having to take off down the holler to fetch my husband from that big city airport NW of me. And now I have to write this blog for you wonderful folks that actually read this stuff, so I haven’t actually finished the book yet but I assure you, I will. And then I’ll read it again because it’s just that funny.

This book has 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. There are only 7 reviews there, but don’t worry – my review is all that counts and I say it’s worth every bit of 5 stars and then some.

So bottom line – the book is fab, the cover looks like something in my panties after a long night of … (fill in the blank), and you should definitely go buy this book. Right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

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fifty-shades-of-chickenToday’s Fifty Shades Feature is “Fifty Shades of Chicken” by FL Fowler (Hardback, 160 pages, published November 2012).

Just look at the seductive swell of that succulent breast, skin the color of warm caramel, and those thighs – juices oozing and dripping down to there – and best of all, bound and tied for your pleasure.

Now, look at the picture of the chicken on the left – see the similarities? Doesn’t it just make your mouth water (among other places)? And the author name, “Fowler” – doesn’t it just make you smile? Wow. Just wow. Hang on a sec while I go turn on my oven…

Okay, now that I know what’s for dinner, let’s discuss this book. It has a 5-star rating on Amazon, and that’s with 180 customer reviews. Here is the Amazon blurb about this book:

Dripping Thighs, Sticky Chicken Fingers, Vanilla Chicken, Chicken with a Lardon, Bacon-Bound Wings, Spatchcock Chicken, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, Holy Hell Wings, Mustard-Spanked Chicken, and more, more, more!

Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on. 
 
“I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious.
 
So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef.

And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more.

With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.

If that blurb doesn’t make you want to rush right out and buy this book, then honey there’s something wrong with you. Heck, the blurb just wrote my blog post for me. Blurb aside, delve deep into the covers of this book and you’ll find succulent recipes complete with beautiful up-close-and-personal pictures, and some really excellent writing to boot. In fact, if Ms. Fowler isn’t writing erotica, she should be. My inner chicken gizzard is screaming for more, more, more!

Okay, Ms. Fowler. You win. I’ll buy your book. This time. And it’s a bargain at just $12.98!

And that concludes this week’s Fifty Shades Friday. Up next week I will be showcasing … I don’t know yet. You’ll just have to come back to find out!

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Welcome to the very first Fifty Shades Friday at VillaraNoir.com!  Here, I poke fun at review one of the many spin-offs of the Fifty Shades trilogy.  Yes, it’s two years after the release.  Yes, everyone is sick to death of Fifty Shades of Anything, which is why I’m here to ridicule the bejeesus out of those books, because honestly, I have nothing else to blog about.

So, without further ado, my first victim review is for … (drum roll please) …

Fifty Shades of Bacon

by Ben Myhre & Jenna Johnson
That’s right, bacon!  And who doesn’t like bacon, I ask?  (Besides my friend Melodeee, you freak).  Sizzling fat mixed with a smattering of maple-touched bacon can buy me a drink and take me home anytime!  But seriously, folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.  Fifty Shades of Bacon.  I give 5 stars for creativity alone.  For the mere price of $11.68 (it’s currently on sale from $12.08) for paperback or $2.99 for Kindle, you, too, can hate (or love) yourself for wasting your money and two (one?) hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Let me make a disclaimer here:  I did NOT buy this book. You want to buy it, go ahead. Be my guest. I will be quoting some customer feedback here gleaned straight from Amazon reviews. And who doesn’t trust Amazon reviews, right?

Fifty-Shades-of-Bacon

Let’s start with the cover, which is fabulous. See what they did there? Nice Fifty Shades tie action going on. It’s full of promise, full of flavor, full of all sorts of bacon naughtiness. Such a tease.

Now on to reviewers’ comments, which I’ll paraphrase for the poor folks out there actually reading this.

Apparently the price of this bad boy used to be $25, so some complaints were that $25 was too much for a paperback book that was no thicker than a magazine. Apparently the authors listened and changed the price. Kudos, authors!

Next, we have a reviewer that states, and I quote, “The only real Fifty Shades connection is a table of contents that lists appetizers as foreplay.” Hello!?? Did you not see the cover? I think that qualifies as a Fifty Shades connection, am I right? Anyway, you, dear reader, can go to Amazon and use their “Look Inside” feature to view the table of contents yourself. There’s a lot more listed there than just appetizers!

Other reviews are of the “catchy and humorous” type, and “good book for a gift,” and “the bacon deviled eggs and the bacon cheddar scones are worth the price of the book” (damn, now I’m hungry). And then there’s my favorite, “not enough bang for the Bacon.” So clever. I want to be that guy.

Bottom line: Eric Ista did a really wonderful job on the cover design. That’s some real eye candy right there, folks. Since I did not purchase this book, I cannot add any more than that.

Up next week on Fifty Shades Friday, I’ll be reviewing Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler  (that’s right, Fowler. I told you, you can’t make this stuff up!). It’s got some rave reviews so you’ll want to check back for that! And don’t worry, I’ll eventually get around to reviewing some erotic Fifty Shades stuff (although the chicken on next week’s book cover is looking pretty erotic to me – I can practically hear the bow-chica-wow-wow now!). Until then, enjoy your weekend and cook up some bacon!

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