Posts Tagged ‘Writers’

Today’s Fifty Shades Friday post isn’t going to happen.  My apologies for that.  I just plain old didn’t have time.  The final two weeks of school seem to be crammed fuller than a tick on an Alabama hound dog with blood activities that never stop!  My kids are exhausted, I’m exhausted, my ticks are exhausted.

So today we’re going to do something different.  If you would please humor me and click on over to Hugh Howey’s blog to read his post Does B&N Manipulate its Rankings because what we have here in this modern day and age is nothing but a witch hunt, pure and simple.  Censorship at its most devious.  As a writer, and even more as a reader, I’m a little bit not happy with anyone attempting to censor or hide away books I want to read because they may have a racy cover or something racy going on between the covers.  Are we really, really not beyond this?  Why on earth would they want to hide away from our poor little innocent eyes the books that are most popular at the moment because of a cover?  Or a word?

What’s next, book burnings?

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Fifty-Shades-of-TwilightToday’s roast review is “Fifty Shades of Twilight (A Very Naughty PARODY)” by Secret Anonymous (7000 words / 37 pages).

Yeah… I think I’d go with an author name of Secret Anonymous, too.  I mean, I’m no Hemingway, so pot meet kettle, but … what there was of this in Amazon’s “Look Inside” feature had me running away fast.  In other words, I didn’t buy this one.  I felt $.99 was too high to pay to see the rest, and not only because I wasn’t impressed by the sample, but also because out of 17 customer reviews, only one of those was a 2-star review, the rest were 1-star!  Yikes!

The reviews, however, ARE worth a read.  Let’s begin!

“It is kind of a joke (no pun intended).”

“it gave me a headache.”

“To be fair this is book is just as stupid as the original material.”  (What do you know?!!  I totally agree!!).

“Amazon is scrapping the bottom of the barrel” – (Do you think maybe they meant scraping? Or are they saying that with this book, the bottom of the barrel has completely dropped out and just when you think a book could sink no lower, it does?).

“I want my 99 cents back.”

And I want my 15 minutes back for the time it’s taken me to read the sample, read the bad reviews and paste them here!  If you’re a glutton for punishment (and I guess BDSM readers are, hahaha), then please, go buy this book.

(Is it me or does that apple on the cover remind you of Annoying Orange?)

Until next week, you folks have a great weekend and be sure to check back next Friday for a review of some kind.  This one sapped my mojo.  😦

Read Full Post »

Fifty-Shades-of-PuddinToday on Fifty Shades Friday we take a look at “Fifty Shades of Puddin’” by Ash Robbins (ebook, 176 pages, published February 27, 2013).

I’ll tell you right up front – I bought this book based on what I read in the free sample on Amazon. It’s only $.99 (I would have paid more). Ms. Robbins had me laughing out loud several times in just the first two chapters, so of course I had to buy it.

This book is brilliant. Bloody fucking brilliant. It’s like southern redneck Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights meets Fifty Shades, and hilarity ensues. The heroine, Ambrosia, apparently has some kind of Tourette Syndrome, so she’s “spraying obscenities like diarrhea” when bad things happen (“God-damn-donkey-cock-sucker-asshole”) – you know, things we all think but rarely say out loud, especially at job interviews.  Ms. Robbins’ writing style is a hoot and more entertaining than watching two dogs bumping uglies on your front porch.

So, I had to settle in with a nice ice-cold glass of sweet tea to read this book. After a few (okay – more than just a few) interruptions from my toddlers (“Son-of-a-bitch-monkey-tits!”), I finally managed to get to chapter 10 last night before having to take off down the holler to fetch my husband from that big city airport NW of me. And now I have to write this blog for you wonderful folks that actually read this stuff, so I haven’t actually finished the book yet but I assure you, I will. And then I’ll read it again because it’s just that funny.

This book has 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon. There are only 7 reviews there, but don’t worry – my review is all that counts and I say it’s worth every bit of 5 stars and then some.

So bottom line – the book is fab, the cover looks like something in my panties after a long night of … (fill in the blank), and you should definitely go buy this book. Right now. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Read Full Post »

fifty-shades-of-chickenToday’s Fifty Shades Feature is “Fifty Shades of Chicken” by FL Fowler (Hardback, 160 pages, published November 2012).

Just look at the seductive swell of that succulent breast, skin the color of warm caramel, and those thighs – juices oozing and dripping down to there – and best of all, bound and tied for your pleasure.

Now, look at the picture of the chicken on the left – see the similarities? Doesn’t it just make your mouth water (among other places)? And the author name, “Fowler” – doesn’t it just make you smile? Wow. Just wow. Hang on a sec while I go turn on my oven…

Okay, now that I know what’s for dinner, let’s discuss this book. It has a 5-star rating on Amazon, and that’s with 180 customer reviews. Here is the Amazon blurb about this book:

Dripping Thighs, Sticky Chicken Fingers, Vanilla Chicken, Chicken with a Lardon, Bacon-Bound Wings, Spatchcock Chicken, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, Holy Hell Wings, Mustard-Spanked Chicken, and more, more, more!

Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on. 
 
“I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious.
 
So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Like Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef.

And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more.

With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.

If that blurb doesn’t make you want to rush right out and buy this book, then honey there’s something wrong with you. Heck, the blurb just wrote my blog post for me. Blurb aside, delve deep into the covers of this book and you’ll find succulent recipes complete with beautiful up-close-and-personal pictures, and some really excellent writing to boot. In fact, if Ms. Fowler isn’t writing erotica, she should be. My inner chicken gizzard is screaming for more, more, more!

Okay, Ms. Fowler. You win. I’ll buy your book. This time. And it’s a bargain at just $12.98!

And that concludes this week’s Fifty Shades Friday. Up next week I will be showcasing … I don’t know yet. You’ll just have to come back to find out!

Read Full Post »

Welcome to the very first Fifty Shades Friday at VillaraNoir.com!  Here, I poke fun at review one of the many spin-offs of the Fifty Shades trilogy.  Yes, it’s two years after the release.  Yes, everyone is sick to death of Fifty Shades of Anything, which is why I’m here to ridicule the bejeesus out of those books, because honestly, I have nothing else to blog about.

So, without further ado, my first victim review is for … (drum roll please) …

Fifty Shades of Bacon

by Ben Myhre & Jenna Johnson
That’s right, bacon!  And who doesn’t like bacon, I ask?  (Besides my friend Melodeee, you freak).  Sizzling fat mixed with a smattering of maple-touched bacon can buy me a drink and take me home anytime!  But seriously, folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.  Fifty Shades of Bacon.  I give 5 stars for creativity alone.  For the mere price of $11.68 (it’s currently on sale from $12.08) for paperback or $2.99 for Kindle, you, too, can hate (or love) yourself for wasting your money and two (one?) hours of your life you’ll never get back.

Let me make a disclaimer here:  I did NOT buy this book. You want to buy it, go ahead. Be my guest. I will be quoting some customer feedback here gleaned straight from Amazon reviews. And who doesn’t trust Amazon reviews, right?

Fifty-Shades-of-Bacon

Let’s start with the cover, which is fabulous. See what they did there? Nice Fifty Shades tie action going on. It’s full of promise, full of flavor, full of all sorts of bacon naughtiness. Such a tease.

Now on to reviewers’ comments, which I’ll paraphrase for the poor folks out there actually reading this.

Apparently the price of this bad boy used to be $25, so some complaints were that $25 was too much for a paperback book that was no thicker than a magazine. Apparently the authors listened and changed the price. Kudos, authors!

Next, we have a reviewer that states, and I quote, “The only real Fifty Shades connection is a table of contents that lists appetizers as foreplay.” Hello!?? Did you not see the cover? I think that qualifies as a Fifty Shades connection, am I right? Anyway, you, dear reader, can go to Amazon and use their “Look Inside” feature to view the table of contents yourself. There’s a lot more listed there than just appetizers!

Other reviews are of the “catchy and humorous” type, and “good book for a gift,” and “the bacon deviled eggs and the bacon cheddar scones are worth the price of the book” (damn, now I’m hungry). And then there’s my favorite, “not enough bang for the Bacon.” So clever. I want to be that guy.

Bottom line: Eric Ista did a really wonderful job on the cover design. That’s some real eye candy right there, folks. Since I did not purchase this book, I cannot add any more than that.

Up next week on Fifty Shades Friday, I’ll be reviewing Fifty Shades of Chicken by FL Fowler  (that’s right, Fowler. I told you, you can’t make this stuff up!). It’s got some rave reviews so you’ll want to check back for that! And don’t worry, I’ll eventually get around to reviewing some erotic Fifty Shades stuff (although the chicken on next week’s book cover is looking pretty erotic to me – I can practically hear the bow-chica-wow-wow now!). Until then, enjoy your weekend and cook up some bacon!

Read Full Post »