Posts Tagged ‘Zombies’

Fifty-Shades-of-Brains

Fifty Shades of Brains by BF Dealeo (252 pages, $1.99 Kindle, $11.30 paperback, published May, 2013) promises “SEX. ZOMBIES. REALLY ANNOYING PRESENT TENSE NARRATION.” And boy does it deliver! With “The Walking Dead” on hiatus until October, I am jonesin’ for some serious zombie action! If you’re jonesing too, pick up “Fifty Shades of Brains.” At just $1.99, it’s a steal! (Please note that I am in no way affiliated with any book I review here, so what you’re getting is an honest review).

From fiftyshadesofbrains.com we learn that “BF Dealeo is a pen name used by two Seattle-based writers who met while studying literature at the University of Washington. One is a father, video gamer, and comics geek. The other has sense enough not to give out any personal information. Between them they have written, co-written, and edited thirteen books plus hundreds of articles and book reviews.” – This must be why there is a shocking lack of typos and grammatical errors in this book. I consider myself pretty good at spotting those things (thank you Mom!) but I saw NOT ONE SINGLE ERROR. My inner grammar teacher is pleased. Seriously, that’s hard to pull off even for the Big 6 (5?) publishing companies these days.

Let’s start with the cover. Nice, creepy, gray-ish. Perfect. But it looks a little too much like my Aunt Patsie, so I’ll not dwell on the cover and just move on. Oh by the way, have you been to http://www.deadyourself.com/walkers yet? You can zombify yourself. Go give it a try, but AFTER you finish reading this review, of course.

Some of my favorite quotes (after I started keeping track, about halfway through the book):
I know his cattle prod is turned off now, but there’s still a buzz between us. Made crazier by something else. Nervousness? Restless leg syndrome?

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I flash back on the decapitated body in the tub, the meeting with his “mombie.” – Haha, cute! I love that word, “mombie.” That’s how I feel every morning before I’ve had my coffee and the little ones are clawing at me for food.

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He smiles and turns back to me. I see something in his eyes. A cloudiness. Sadness? The early stages of glaucoma?

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Rules:
(Flip back to Chapter 7 if you really need to read these again. What kind of book would print these twice? Or three times?)
(On second thought, here it is. It helps pad the page count.) — ROFL!!one111!!

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Things would be so much easier if he just played a sport, my inner soccer mom chides. – I love all her inner voices, and there are many!

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I feel Pinocchio there in his pants. That wooden boy is all I can think about.

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It’s a cold world, bitches! my inner gangsta shouts at them.

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I want him to want me. To want to please me. To want me to please him. To want me to please him while he’s wanting to please me. I want it all. I also want to quit thinking about all of this because it’s very confusing.

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My gloves fit like gloves. – So clever.

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Inside the front office, the dried remains of the school secretary sit at a desk. There’s a protractor buried in her — its — skull. I guess somebody else didn’t like geometry, my inner class clown interjects.

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“Aurora, you’ve already met my mother,” he says. “This is my father, Carl.” Good zombie Carl. – Hey! Another Rottie fan! High-five!

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She totters off toward a hallway, and her caregiver moves aside, barely glancing up from her book. I look at the cover, wondering what the hell could be so engrossing. Who would read a book about a gray silk tie? – I know, right?

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And the more serious stuff:
Morning glory, moss and mold cover the front of the houses, the windows too, and the once pristine hedges that lined the driveways are now monstrous green walls, gnarled branches reaching to the sky like outstretched fingers.  – (I love this!)

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The play area — all sand and colorful plastic equipment — hasn’t even been overrun by weeds or grass or dog-sized rabbits. The memory of running feet seems to be enough to keep anything from taking root.  – (This makes me almost hear the laughter of children past).

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Here are some of the Amazon reviews. Currently there are 7 and it has a 4.1 average rating:

“I tried reading Fifty Shades of Grey, but had to stop before all my brains leaked out of my head from the sheer crappiness of the writing. Having read this book and the fun it pokes at FSoG with a malfunctioning cattle prod I have to say I’m very happy with my decision to cease and desist. Everything I need to know about it I learn in this book and it’s much funnier, too.” – QUOTED. FOR. TRUTH.

“The humor in this book isn’t for everyone. It’s not cute funny, it’s sick, twisted funny and I love it.” – I’m sure they’re just too nice to outright say it, but I will: It’s FUCKING FUNNY.

This one best sums up my own thoughts on this book, especially the last line:
“Fifty Shades of Brains by BF Dealeo is one of the funniest, snarkiest, most twisted books I’ve read in a long time. Done as a spoof (or homage, you decide) for E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey book, it features Aurora Foyle, otherwise known as Ro, going to interview famed zombie hunter Caligula Green (nice twist of name for a zombie book) who has helped protect Seattle after the zombie apocalypse and organize the survivors. He offers her a job but she wants more than just that, she also wants what’s in his pants (sorry, couldn’t resist.) This starts what promises to be an interesting and sick relationship. It’s just not guaranteed to be a long one. One of my favorite parts was the multiple times Ro’s inner voice spoke to her as a variety of creatures, such as her inner goddess, inner life guard, inner therapist, etc. I may have to go back and count how many different inner voices she actually has. It looks like there might be a sequel, so I’ve got my fingers crossed that I might get to read more about Ro. If you like 50 Shades of Grey and like zombies, you will love this book. If you didn’t like 50 Shades of Grey and like zombies, you will love this book. If you don’t like zombies, you just aren’t worth talking to.”  – (Emphasis added by yours truly).

There were many clever references in this book and I’m sure I missed many of them. The ending was a surprise to me, leaving me a tad bit sad, but it works and certainly sets the book up for a sequel, which I fervently hope is in the works! If it isn’t, IT SHOULD BE (do you hear that BF Dealeo? Put butt in chair and write it. Oh, and is that Big Fucking Dealeo? Just curious. So many BFDs these days!).  I enjoyed the hell out of this book and I LITERALLY (haha sorority girl humor) want you folks to go buy it right now. Here’s the link again in case your ass is too lazy to scroll the mouse up a bit and click the link in the opening paragraph: Click me. Click me NOW.

The Zombie Apocalypse is always fun to speculate about. As I write this, we’re one week away (but who’s counting) from the premiere of the new Brad Pitt movie, World War Z which of course I MUST see. So, I’ll leave you with this question: If the Zombie Apocalypse were to ever hit and assuming you’re one of the survivors, what one item would you miss the most, given the inevitable scarcity of goods? I’m not going to tell you what I would miss the most, but I’ll give you a hint: it starts with C. O. F. F. E. E.

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